Grivel Avatar by Stevie Haston

My latest tested Baby, she climbs like Maria Callas sings. An interesting head, ergo and beau… a strong shaft and the possibility to climb anything, any angle, anywhere.... Ice assassin or the claws of a heraldic beast legend?

www.grivel.com

Stupidity Flu epidemic strikes Britain, by Stevie Immune Haston.

So the world is mad, right, you know this. But is it getting worse? Probably but certain things mask your ability to judge, or even your will to judge. Do you have a job you don’t like, or is it worse? Do you have a job you hate, with a boss who perhaps tweaks your tight buns, and makes evil suggestions about the weekend. Yes, you do, don’t you. I knew it. You acquiesce in your prickly predicament because you have a mortgage, you don’t tell your slimy superior to stick it where the sun don’t shine do you? You’re not brave your normal, most likely, your more normal than normal, you’re spineless. I live in Italy, we are not spineless, we are just too well fed, and we have mamas who love us, that’s why we can’t get a rid of shameless presidents with huge Viagra addictions and worrying    connections with the underworld. The whole of North Africa is more than perturbed, its on fire, and we of course watch football!

Anyway the other day, or was it most of the last year, I did some writing for Mags, the net, and other nefarious, naughty, self interested bodies who would pay me. Get this and get this straight, I had no ulterior motive, yes my unworldly friends it was for gathering shekels, garnering guineas, gathering geld. It wasn’t to preen, I am past preening, I am a grumpy old sportsman, I don’t care about you. Or do I? Maybe yes, maybe no. Do you owe me money?

Anyway the other day I was too tired to run, and couldn’t be arsed to suffer the cold climbing, so went prospecting for attractive boulders to climb. Or do I mean drape my be-logoed, trim, muscular body over, and thus accrue a gaggle of grumpy divorced grannies, as a harem. So I walked down a cold valley, which had about a dozen unclimbed frozen cascades in, and was pretty psyched to think of those nice looking lines waiting for impoverished Scottish lads to swarm up. But I was looking for a boulder rather than a 200 meter waterfall. As I looked over a bridge, I saw eggs, giant eggs. They were clearly frogspawn affected by radiation, and had thus mutated into something strange, and subversive.  What governments are not telling you is that earth has become a target, not just for extraterrestrials, but also for low forms of life. With the recent spread of the Internet, the universe at large is starting to understand how stupid humans are, and what an easy target they are. Not content with trying to kill each other for spurious reasons, like land, riches, oil for SUVs’ that they can’t drive, humans are now are trying to inoculate themselves against some fairly harmless viruses with more lethal consequences to themselves. The British government was conned into buying expensive flu vaccine, and then tried to inoculate an unwilling public with it. Pig Flu, Bird Flu, and now Frog Flu, but look what’s happened to the Frogs. Jesus, they are getting stronger, and bigger. Take care dear reader. But there is hope, a virus which was designed to make Anacondas smaller, and farmable, went wrong, thus creating a subspecies called Acconcaguares, these are very big snakes, and should we hope take care of the frogs. But what do we do with the Acconcagauras, surely they are uncontrollable being nearly 7000 meters long! Or are they 7000 meters high, I can’t remember, shit I am confused now, I better consult a climbing magazine for the truth.

My new ride , maaan, by Stevie Speed Haston

So when the snow was high and joy was soaring, I realized what I needed to hit warp factor 5 was an old fashioned board the kind that aren’t made anymore cos everybody is too lazy. Lots of good designs in gear are shelved only too be replaced by shite that sells, no matter that it only does a reasonable job and not an excellent one, that’s why you get salopettes with 15 zips but you can’t actually walk in. In deep snow you need a long board, don’t let the makers tell you anything else. And it goes by weight, so if you are a big bloke you need a board with a lot of floatation. I ride 162 if there isn’t much snow, I go 175 for a lot of my riding, and I used to in the old days go bigger. People say you can’t ride boards that long but I do and what’s more I like too which is the point for me. I like being in the turn but love long curves rather than turns, and I don’t mind if I only enjoy the good snow at the top of the mountain. Anyway to cut a long story short I have a size problem! And I have a stiffness problem, if a board is too soft it bends to much in the turn and dumps speed. So what to do, I moaned and winged, couldn’t get what I wanted and then remembered I’d seen a display model, a bit of eye candy in a friends shop. So after appropriate Italian negotiations we liberated the board and I went surfing, and verily it was good, no scratch that it was great. So the board is 188, an old Regis Roland model swallow tail, never been ridden and is generally thought of as a difficult board.

Running high by Hugh Symonds

This is the story of a great journey, the traverse of 303 mountains in Scotland England, Wales and Ireland by Mr Symonds. And of course I should mention his wife and kids supporting him for the 100 odd days it took. It’s a great book if not a great read, inspiring but exhausting, a totally fantastic reminder of what some fell runners in Britain have done and will keep on doing. This link or tour was done for his own ambition and to help a charity, please buy the book and find out more. The book starts off with the mountains in Scotland, a country I don’t like for its weather and midges but this book reminds you that there is a lot of pleasure for those who persevere. It almost tempts me back but somehow I think I might be better off in the Alps. The book has made me look at maps more and dream more and think that my life might have another journey left in it, so thanks very much Hugh. There are some useful appendices in the back which fell running nerds will find useful, but its Hughs general courage in the face of day in day in running and British conditions that is almost overwhelming.

VIVE LE TOUR by Nick Brownlee

The Tour in this case is very obviously the Tour de France, one of the greatest if not the greatest sporting challenge there is for semi humans. It is a no holds barred frank account of the cheating, drug taking, and general shenanigans, that rich events will inevitably encourage. Drug taking in top class sport is more than common but to general readers this honest account might put them off, please don’t be, it’s just time we all grew up and excepted it. I have been in comps were I have competed against drug takers and been fairly pissed off, but luckily my life didn’t suffer when I lost. Some of the people who took drugs in the Tour also lost, they lost their lives! Anyway this book is the best read I have had for many a day, it’s a kind off verbal comic, lots of humour and snippets of gossip. It’s a great book and a quick read and might make you buy a bike! I used to do a great deal of cycling and have cycled many bits of the Tour particularly the cols. Long live the Tour, an incredible test, and incredible story of cheating and everything that is both great and disgusting about humans. The book is much more interesting than normal books about sport but then it’s a big story it’s a big circle of kilometers, it’s a colourful pageant that speeds around one of the most interesting countries in the world.

Off Road Running by Sarah Rowell

This book is really for confirmed runners who like not just the outdoors but the mountain environment. Sarah Rowell has a good marathon time and writes for fell running mags nowadays, she certainly knows what she is talking about. The book covers cross-country fell running and multiday events, just buy it and you won’t really have a problem, it might open your mind to an interesting aspect of running that you never thought existed like Orienteering perhaps. It is crazy to think that until recently women were thought too weak to run marathons and weren’t allowed to run them, women like Sarah have certainly helped disprove this. One of the nicest aspects of this book are the small bios of good runners in each aspect of Off road running, this is delight and is in every case an inspiration, thanks to the individual people for being so good and thanks to Sarah for bringing them to our attention. Lots of training tips, facts and figures, buy it, and do it.

The Runners Handbook, by Bob Glover

This book I recommend for beginner runners or people like me who haven’t run for years and want to catch up with modern thoughts about basic training, it’s not really for confirmed runners. It’s the kind of book to start someone off and perhaps introduce them to healthier habits of running exercise and health in general. I actually got more from it than I thought and appreciated the relaxed style and humor. There are some pretty shocking statistics about how unfit most people are how just a little running will help prevent a lot of heart attacks. There is a sequel book for confirmed runners which I have also read but that one won’t save your life, this one might if you are a fat over stressed city type, and so it’s here, and I recommend it, if not for you, then give it as a present to someone who desperately needs it, you never know you might save their life.