Dawn of the DIY Dead, by Stevie Haston

Dawn isn't that early anymore, nice well done, I can get up later. Lost a couple of pounds, generally put them back on by some kinda Osmosis, and for those folks out there in weightloss world, well, I have to say amputation seems easier.

Sleep was full of eagles being shot, and I was unable to help, the NSA were monitoring me as I was talking to Mrs Merkle about putting bromide in Maltese Macaroni.

Was supposed to do some revamping of the training area, but thought, bugger it. The boss, SHE who SHALL be OBEYED came home from a yoga meeting/jamboree/curry eating fest and tore into me about the state of the house. SHE cooed at the cats, who had done most of the mess, the cats smirked at me, they know I am dumb, but they shouldn't rub it in like that!

Flook it to hell, grab zee wife, lets go big over hang climbing instead of tearing me a new orifice, we will see who's smirking then, you lentil munching turbabanised colleague. 

Crusher Holds and their finger boards, by Stevie Metamorforce Haston

I have been waiting for an early Xmass present from Crusher Holds, and it took a while, some really great stuff, check them out, do your self a favor, they work really well and don't hurt your fingers, or your pocket!

So this is  MetaMoreForce, its really wide, much wider than most finger boards, which means you can do nice wide pull ups if you want, I have found normal boards can be a bit too narrow, if you give them a lotta concentrated use.

So it's nearly 80 cm wide, and if you use it Wide its got a slight angled sloper, so it turns the wrist-well good and sensible.

I got this board in the afternoon, put it up, and took it for a test drive, around my fingers,and arms, and back, really great. It's a bit of a custom job.

Here you can see just how wide it is. Under the Metamorforce is an old climbing partner gift to me, it was a portable board which took him to three big champ wins, I,ll never get rid of it. Thank you Patrick. Any way look at the short height of the board, you can easily put one of these up any where, no excuses. Crusher makes a smaller in length rung which is really great value, like I said check them out here. They got loads of stuff.

Ben is back, by Stevie Haston

Ben, Mike and Stevie the stalker

Ben Moon the English climber of the late 80s had a huge influence on rock climbing standards. In my opinion he could have climbed harder. Now after many years Ben is Back, he just red pointed 8c again after casting his Zimmer frame away.  In celebration of his comeback I reprint a little piece I wrote which prophetically credits Ben with the first 9a. 

Ben Moon did the first ascent of Hubble in 1990, it was the first 9a in the world under the new Uefa grading system, I burnt him off once. He wasn’t pleased!

Ben Moon was eclipsed in many ways by Wolfgang Gullich, who was certainly not Bens equal in pure bouldering, or redpointing. This is the odd way history is,  its not an accurate thing, its easily subverted.

Now then a few months after Ben did Hubble, his best buddy Jerry Moffat was climbing well so he thought he would try Hubble. By some weird coincidence I was there with Kurt Albert, Wolfgang’s old training buddy. The World is indeed a small place full of odd coincidences. Anyway Jerry huffed and puffed but could not blow Hubble away, Kurt and I laughed, Jerry fumed and then went incandescent but all to no avail. Hubble is apparently a hard nut to crack. Kurt and I being out of our league decided to go arête climbing on the Grit instead, we did Archangel, Ulysses, Edge Lane and Great Arrete, we Talked about how routes can break you mentally, we had a great time. Kurt was a talented pianist and told me that certain bits of music broke him, a bit like redpointing, you know you can do them, but you cant!

Some years later in Salt Lake City I met up with a few strong people and we were all messing around. A certain Ben Moon became interested in picking up a weight attached to a needle, he was adamant that he could beat everybody, he was wrong. He couldn’t beat me. I burnt Ben Moon off.

I went out a few times to watch Ben and Mike Beck bouldering as a master class lesson. Mike Beck was really cranking at the time and it was very inspiring to watch him, very short, no excuses, and him and Ben enjoyed each others company. Anyway I moved Mats for them and brushed a few holds, and generally gawked.

At one boulder venue however I was lucky and did something and Ben looked at me shocked, and said ‘Stevie you could be good if you lost a bit of weight’, inside I laughed. “Condescending young Whippersnapper” I said, ‘I am the Champ at weight lifting with a needle and don’t forget it’..

After my tiny victory I was relegated to labouring for Ben and Mike, Ben would point at tree stumps and I would up root them like the trained Mule I am. Its horses for  courses, and bouldering is not weightlifting. 

Prohibition comes to the Pyrenees, by Stevie Haston.

Before you give up hope, give up food and alcohol! Still fat as a horney pig,and still strong as a dumb ox. 

 My skin has taken on a grayish tone as winter approaches. A few feet away trout were lazily swimming, and in an industrial town, not bad.

 Some local primitive art to remind us we are mountain folk, just 10 km is a little ski station.

 But this is more like where I live, its Hobbit land, tilled earth fruit and veg.

Despite being fat and massive, I refuse to give up. On the monos with the fat strong finger, I do forward toe touches, and its good and specific. If I try it on the pinky monos ....I crash and burn. Its funny but I could bang my sober head and die! Will be able to do a front lever of these suckers soon, sooner or now if I was the right bloody wieght!

Beach Boys tame roof, by Stevie Haston

  

 I'am picking up good

 vibrations

She's giving me excitation

Good good good good vibrations

Climbing is not always great, and its not always fun, and its hardly ever like dancing, and if you compare it to the excitement of being young and looking foreword to seeing your lady, they might put you away.

I just adore this cliff, she's magic.

Ah, I love the colourful clothes she wears
And the way the sunlight plays on her hair

Actually I love the way this roof pulls me to bits, and spits me out, sometimes disgorging me like puke or dung from one of the upside down pockets. Sometimes like today, I feel like she's been kicking me in the ribs, she's a banshee lover, she's bonkers, she bites and scratches.
Ok, lock me up!
I hear the sound of a gentle word
On the wind that lifts her perfume through the air

Today I linked Declarage into Dame, to give a really big outing, a tough power 8a, into a prolonged pummeling 8a.  It's kindda 8a+, tough, and it gave me good vibrations, can't thank the Beach Boys enough, and there is a perfume on the air, its partly bat urine, and moldy damp, and the acrid piss sweat being pushed into your nose, by being bent and contorted out of shape, by Houdini moves. Sabart is her name, and I stink of Sabart.

Dawn patrol against fat, by Stevie Fat Haston

So, my health was bad due to bad toxins. This got better with correct real food. My immune system was shot due to doing too much, and an infection. Sorted this. And finally my hormone level was low due to the above and being nice and cuddly and cool. Did you know your testosterone level goes down when your in love? Check, sorted that out too-I now hate everybody including myself!  

The above photo is evidence that they discovered Acid in the 14th Century! They were a head of the time that's for sure. The Romans according to their
 writer Vegetius, had the most efficient army in the world. 

Well it's recorded that they could walk with a heavy pack for around 26 miles then dig in go to sleep. Tough strong lads. There's been lots of recordings by soldiers doing double marches and then setting to and having a bloody barney for a few pleasant hours before going on an all nighter with some pillaging.

No wonder some people had this expression. Anyway not being up to a stroll and being unable to fight my way out of a tangled quilt, I took measures. First measure consult the 'Scales of Justice', oh deary me, guilty as charged, you are fat.

The pinch test, oh dear, you are gross. Check the mirror naked and let it out, oh dear, that's disgusting. Ok then, you wanna play it like that, you horrible disloyal body, I will decimate you, actually I'll do more than that but one tenth of you is going to die! Yes your gonna suffer baby. Dawn Patrol it is then. 

Strong or fit for climbing, by Stevie Haston.

Feeling weak recently led me to change my training routine, and dramatically at that. I had been feeling very tired after climbing for 5 months and was sick from a rubbish diet full of toxins. All of my friends thought it was old age creeping up on me and catching me. I was desperately hoping it wasn't. Anyway nothing was really working, until a final bit of the puzzle fell into place, or should I say out!

After an emergency visit to a dentist, some horrible stuff, and a serious infection was sorted out. This coupled, with a strict and low volume, but hight intensity training workout, has resulted in feeling strong again, I hesitate to say fit, because I don't think I am fit, I,am strong. I also put on a few pounds of fat, due laying around. So it looks like you can defiantly perk yourself by eating good eggs and a bit of heavy pulling. Its done little for my climbing, but I don't care, I'd rather feel strong. Plenty of time to get good at climbing now that I feel young again.

So 5 sets of pulls with  a charge

     5 sets of bent over rows heavy as you can

     5 sets of pull overs

    3 sets of clean and jerk,  with about 10 or 12 reps

And a few dozen eggs a week. Lots of sleep. Its very boring, but seems to work.