I'm a woman

I'm a woman
Photos copyright Laurence Gouault
No reproduction on other media without the photographer's permission.

Tuesday, 12 May 2020

Methuselah climbs still, by Stevie Haston.

Its my hundred and 11 birthday cries Frodo, it's my  969 says Crystal Meth Methuselah, its mine also says Stevie-shall we go climbing, of course says Piglet, Pooh,  Eeyore, and Tigger.   New routes are nearly alway the gift I give myself on my birthday, good routes, some times with a bit of bite. 

This is a sketch of Edward Lear a favourite character from my childhood. its prophetically of a favourite cliff of mine and he has some how painted me in belaying on top of one of my own routes! This is a bit of a shock because he died a long time before my birth. But hey, things today are not what they seem, we must trust experts, and funnily drawn graphs predicting 'Second waves' among other things.

So I remember this little 'second wave' from when I was about 9 years old, I was reading the nonsense poems of Edward Lear and hoping to see fabulous creatures with two heads, and people floating to sea in a pea green boat, and magic dragons, and elves and much more. But this second wave was there instead. It disappeared from my knowledge and reappeared a few years ago but I couldn't be bothered. Sometimes the big thing that's stops great routes is lethargy, Christmass pudding, or a Pandemic of hunters killing little birds. But there was a lull in the space time continuum  this year, and a route was born, or at least gestated. 

Just one glass for me, moderation is my middle name.

Oma is grandmother in German, here she is, her eyesight is all but gone and what she sees is often guesswork or wishful thinking. Does she know there is 300 feet of air beneath her?Actually she is a bit like her daughter, things like big cliffs don't phase her and she was begging to see us climbing. She begged and begged but we couldn't think how we could even get her to a cliff with out a cattle hoist and a helicopter, until I remembered the Second Wave! There was a place the Bat Car could approach very close and we could waddle granny down towards the edge for her appointment with climbing.

We tried to get Granny down to see this climb  but failed, we tried and tried, we finally had to invent a new cliff and a new climb. Such are the things you do on your birthday said Piglet, 'nobody said climbing was easy' said Poo.

Sunday, 10 May 2020

Temporary like Achilleas, by Stevie immortal Haston.

Tempting fate to say you're immortal? Of course it is. You are a temporary thing my friend, more bacteria than your ego will even allow you to know. We are deluded little creations of accident, waiting for our assured demise. But some one once said, that you can sometimes be a master of your life if you pick the time of your death! I prefer to think that I am a little bit in control occasionally, and not like a bit of flotsam being tossed around by the waves. Recently I have even felt lucky and blessed. That surprised me because I am normally a really miserable bastard.

I love routes where you open you're legs and feel the breeze... Chimneys are a very underrated lost art.

 This is what I looked like as a young man, I used to climb 6c maximum, but now that Scarpa makes better boots, my grade is still respectable.

A bit of tourism in Germany, trying, or not trying really, more like fondling the holds, you get a few points for knowing the route, and there will be a few of you that will get it, surprising how much strange bits of info we have in our brains.

You get a few more points for recognising the man in this photo, a very important man in climbing in my view.

A Dick standing between two gigantic dicks. You get another few points for knowing this route, it's one of the best routes in the world!

 I have been called a dick recently by a few people for being happy to be Temporary like Achilleas. Here I am demonstrating my Weltanschauung, dicks are very underrated as Mae West said, they have an important function.

A very strong Francois, Italian not French, I have known a lot of strong Fs over the years!
Anyway, there's lots of routes for me to do
Theres fun to be had
theres still sea to swim in
theres laughs to be had
theres the blue to stare into above as in the sky and the deep as under you in water
theres my body such as it is -to treat your body like a temple and not a toilet, should be one of humans main thoughts. Eat good healthy food, breath fresh air, drink nice pure water, win the good fight. Be amazed at the beauty of flowers, rocks, mountains, do things with grace even though you are a clumsy clod of clay, dance on the head of a needle.

Thursday, 7 May 2020

The Dangleberries of Doom, by Stevie Haston.

The world spins around its axis, and men spin their little webs. The world goes around the sun and men spin their lies, plans, and they gather of riches beyond their needs! I gather a few onions and routes.

Some onions for you're perusal.

Of mice and men, 10,000 Assyrians, Atlas Shrugged, the Corona Fraud, Logic Bomb a few new route names of the last week. 

 A route cleaned by my friend Didi, a  European of the former Eastern Bloc country East Germany. We act in tandem, our love of routes and our love of other peoples enjoyment of good little climbs motivate us to some simple giving of time and sweat.

Here I am top roping a line several times to gain knowledge of the best place to clean  etc. Strange are the motivations of men, their creations or simple gifts, half the time mere vanity. Beware Greeks baring Gifts, Never look a gift Vaccine in the Mouth! Forgive me my little jokes. Many climbers are listening to governmental instructions when they have never listened much before, is this their advancing age, or do they actually think something extra ordinary is going on.

Hiding in the shade, it's almost too hot, the end of May normally signals the hot season of not much climbing except when absolutely necessary. In the photo you can see the seeds of the Carob tree, one of my favourite trees.

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Are you a climber? Stevie ? Haston.

I was a climber before I was born. Were you? I held the umbilical cord between by little fingers and imagined holding the falls of my twin brother as he tried to wriggle out of this hell I was imprisoned with him in. As soon as I climbed out of 'the narrows', I screamed 'yes'  for my Victoria over imprisonment. Little did I know this hell climb would be repeated ad nauseam.

 The sky is blue and we are in Prison, well not me obviously, I speak of some of the worlds population, told what to do, and blindly following orders ..

 Invitation to dance, outrageously good climbing/dancing shoes. Invitation au voyage, a route name in France (possibly got this wrong) the French do get the odd thing right, we will see if they crucify Macron at the next election, or are falling into control or 'compliance'. Compliance is a great new word used to describe control of population, it is like in Britain, we used to have to comply to the status quo of prescribed climbing by a few pompous people, nominally this was guided by the chief of Propaganda Ken 'the red' Wilson. If you didn't comply you were denounced in the magazine, and then ignored in the public drinking establishments. 

 'Babies in a Blender' was a route name I seem to remember. There will be many more abortions after quarantine, there will be lots of family crimes, perhaps a million more unwanted births.

 My fingers are easily strong enough to crush this rock, its a treacherous medium to climb but its incredibly memorable also, if you climb this kind of rock otherwise polite people will say you are insane! 

Training in old England was called cheating, pros were looked down upon, it was an extension of the public schools system and ideology. Alright for some, some were taken by rich parents on the Grande Tour, some kids couldn't climb out of the slums. Slums arnt called slums anymore, don't even know what they are called, but you can be sure there are two different sectors from where climbers come from. Even in the simplistic climbing game of climbing walls and bouldering, there is a difference from Now, versus Then. In the old days I bunked (sneaked in) into the Sobell centre Wall, and then Bradford Uni wall, as I remember the Sheffield Uni training thing was free as well. Not now guys, get your Visa au Voyage out!

Ah the untraveled stuff by a route of mine. The Taxification of everything now is utterly incredible, but it is not so amazing when you think that people dont value their liberty to climb, walk run, or even get out of the house. Virtual reality has captured people, once we wanted real experience, we didn't want the Blue Planet, we were in it, and really nice villages and towns gave us free camping, We voyaged into the real natural world, and eat it for breakfast. Today, its Planet Mountain web site saying stay at Home, today its UK Climbing saying Stay the Fuck at Home, well I can tell you its them who should stay the Fuck at home! They arnt climbing, Climbing is you, climbing is rock, climbing is a journey, an experiment, it's a risk, it is defo not sitting at home masturbating.

Failed on this the other day, lots of failures recently. To find your limits is an interesting thing, what are your limits on proscribed thought and rules? Are you still a free thinking, Skin head moon stomp climber?

I love scorpions. Are Scorpions dangerous? Are viruses dangerous? Wasn't it a virus that turned animals from egg layers into, mammals?Wasnt it viruses that created thought process-thought processes seem a bit overrated now since government think that thinking for your self should be banned. There's a wing of the British army called Brigade 77, it's in charge of various false accounts, and is a Trolling factory which works in league with various other mysterious people agendas and 1984 kinda things. Theres a Wonderfull bit of film out there somewhere showing the head of the Army dressed in desert camoflage gear (try to remember he is a studio haha), talking about how well the Army is helping in the Corona /Flu thing, its laughable. Thats why you should go climbing, climbing was always a real leveller, although the climbing secret police tried they couldn't really control climbing! Long live climbing.  

Tuesday, 21 April 2020

To be, or to sneeze, by Stevie Horrible Haston.

To Blog or not to Blog, for a while I didn't blog as I thought what I did wasn't interesting, but obviously now, as navel gazing while half watching the latest Net Flics moving garbage show is the height of many peoples lives-well.

 Some gorgeous granite in Egypt, this dome, peak, is unclimbed.

 A mural of Whirling Dervishes, I once did a climb called the Dervish which started a boom of new routes in the quarries of North Wales, now I advocate climbing while maintaining precautions against catching the Flu. I would never advocate breaking a law, except of course where that law is completely wrong-there are a few, well more than a few are not there?

 These are my so called Spring onions, they are not normal are they? Luckily I have a garden where other people in my family can relax while sheltering from the stupidity of this modern world. Could I imagine being cooped up in a grotty bedsit in some god forsaken town, or worse stuck with a horrible companion?

Yesterday was rainy, we still went out, me and my bro here. Diving down on the peaceful sand at 25 meters depth was magic, my companion was keener than me, diving, diving he has nothing else to do, his wife is in a different country and he can't work. He is lucky he can get out, eh? He has a PHD and two other silly degrees, he is one of the experts I discus things with. I have lots of friends who are expert in strange things, some of them even have a modicum of common sense. People say I am wrong about corona /Flu, perhaps I am, but the 25000 Germans who died of the Flu in 2017/18 compared to the few thousand who died of this Flu this year might have a different view point-well they might of course, if they were alive.

Diego my dog who climbs a bit, is a bit confused at the moment due to not getting out enough.

 The cruelty of Quarantine, the confusion of quarantine, the way people are perverting themselves is amazing, the total abdication of rational questioning is a jolly interesting thing. My country in the last 3 years has slipped 34 places in the liberty of it press, the Maltese people as a whole have not noticed, or complained! Maltas last Prime Minister a Mr Muscat was implicated in the murder of a journalist, not many people care! The new replacement Prime Minister of Malta in the job 5 mins has a judicial enquiry into the possibility he murder up to 12 human beings at sea, do you care? No you don't! That's the crime.  The crime, and it is a big one is that they/you are so distracted by Brexit, Trump, Corona, money, and Net Flix, that they dont care about anything. They care so little that in some places they are locked up, and imprisoned and think themselves lucky. Now then, in some places there is a nasty flu going around, and there are a few very bad hotspots, but in other places like the Reunion you have a very good chance compared to corona of dying of Shark attack, on my island Scuba Diving kills more some years.


Behind our free diving float is an incredible flying groove, I failed to climb it twice recently, it's not hard, I am just rubbish. Notice the last sentence and compare it with this one, some health care is not up to dealing with the Flu, because well its not up to it.

My  friend here looking like the blind mole he is. We are so lucky him and I, no stupid polluting boats to hassle us, The life in the caves is coming back, if I had a tiny bit of work from people wanting my services I would be able to pay the bills. While you are all locked up you should perhaps explore what is going on in the world, not your navel, but look at the problems of big business owning governments, and countries. It takes very little time and is much more relevant that that stupid badly acted out nonsense about serial killers. While you are locked up, war is still going on, hunger, the money owed by each individual is going up, but you're sense is slowly dissipating in the crazy theatre they create to confuse you. Yes you are welcome. It's sunny. Its always sunny above the clouds. 

Sunday, 19 April 2020

Man crushed to death, by Stevie Haston.

Man crushed to death, the Unbearable sniffles of a dying society, go by little happy shuffles into that cattle truck my plebs, the Matrix is waiting for your unfit asses.

A bit of Slate climbing from North Wales a route of my big buddy Cliff, well named Phillips.

This Blog might be all over the place, captions etc, just don't feel like following any rules, and yes you can lump it.

Another bit of Slate the photo above was "Looning the tube" this one is called 'two pairs of feet"

 This is not Slate this is Gozo cheese rock, some of the best rock I have ever climbed on. Was swimming with a guy who shall remain anonymous, he says he wants more Corona lockdown, because all the morons are at home, no speed boats, no Jet skis, no Fishermen trying to hook us up-yes they do that!

In Trainers, irresponsibly climbing without a rope in a time where the hospitals are supposed to be overworked according to the 'authorities' (dont you love that word) actually the hospitals are running at less than 70 % capacity, but even that number is probably wrong as they are nearly empty. People have threatened to tell the authorities that I climb and swim, funny I dont think the authorities are even interested, they are more interested in rounding up the migrants on our land in Corona Camp 7 people to a ships container, over a thousand souls, and guarding them with fully armed soldiers, welcome's to Christian Malta! If you dont believe me google it! And we refuse to rescue people who are hungry or even thirsty, or rescue them from drowning, we are even  returning them to the places they fled from, yes we are very nice Christian loving people. We are using the excuse that we are being over run by an evil force called Corona, well this might not be believed by some people, after 750 targeted tests we found a grand total of one person with the dreaded Corona, impressive!

A Flower bigger than an outstretched hand, if only the bees were to scale, what jolly fun that would be or bee. The world can be a joy to live then, but not if you are in a concentration camp you willingly put yourself into, or did you some how just agree to it. Did we sign up for this? 

A not so skinny man bending a bar, as he attempts to bring it down to his level.

A man crushed to death.

I like that title. Simple has a certain power, don't you think. Sadly I often feel crushed myself, sometimes even by self loathing, pity, all kinds of things, failure, the tragic comedy of life isn't a barrel of laughs either. Thats why I climb so much, a bit of escapism with simple rules. The Title was inspired by a caption I saw on a photo, it was of a man squashed under a steamroller, with the words, man dies of corona virus! You are probably bored of my stuff, I am too, I am often crushed by my own stuff, but there's more. Macron the Bankers puppet, and supreme ruler of France has said there will be another month of lockdown-so no climbing for you Pierre and Choochoo. 

Friday, 10 April 2020

Profit of Doom, by Stevie Haston

5 people enjoying climbing, name how many rules they are breaking to win a furry animal toy, theres a dog in the photo somewhere, apparently they can carry corona as well, or so they say!
This will be a very badly written blog cos I am too busy enjoying my life at the moment, I advise you to do the same, that possibly means not reading this blog, but since you can't actually enjoy anything apart from playing with yourself you might as well.

Nosferatu resurrected himself every day not just at Easter.

The Easter Profit of Doom. Watch out for 'Wavelets' of Corona sweeping hot air balloons of World Health Organisation Double Speak.

I could just link vids of cops trying to arrest kids for playing foot ball in their own garden, a woman in the UK arrested for sitting on a park bench and the wonderful jogging guy in Italy turning into Husein Bolt as a corpulent copper gave enfeebled chase. 
Dig for Victory, what other guff are they going to come up with, the queen made a speech and we are supposed to feel thankful for her kind words-as if we all share in her wold view and wealth. Pardon me for not being impressed with that family, her husband is a drunk racist who crashed his car t'other day, while possibly being incapable of driving. And what ever you do don't mention her son being fond of taking Lear get rides to sex parties. Loose lips sunk ships, Your country needs you, well it needs your tax, because Branson and the media papers won't pay theirs!

So a little bit of research obviously under the influence of some Vino de Veritas has produced some  interesting facts. What follows is not from me, its not made up, but has been published in many reputable newspaper/rags. 
Number  one thing of note, Malta will have 19 deaths by August. This at first sight doesn't seem like a great deal of death, on second, and even on 10 sight it seems like not many deaths. It may well be worse where you live.
Number two, where ever you live there might be a net gain in lives due to less pollution. In China they will save 20 times the lives they lost. This is staggering.
The UK is looking bad, my sympathies, but you did vote for it, well you voted for the Conservatives who cut the National Health Service at the knees and then slashed her beautiful throat, and bled her half to death.

Is it illegal to do this at the moment?

Can you believe that British health workers are in hospital  covering themselves in bin bags for protection, thats in one of the five biggest economies in the world.
Anyway enough sad dreary thoughts let us cheer you up with the puppy at the end of the news bit. A mate in France has fallen out with his old climbing partner-a sad but apt little tale of Easter. His friend is in the PGHM, this is the prestigious and highly professional mountain rescue team, and his friend is actively trying to catch him. It's a bit sad because what can his mate do, he has to do what his boss says, and the boss of the boss is also a climber, but what can he do? Well they could all go climbing just like they used to, or is that too simple, too fairy tale. When it is illegal for kids to play football in their garden you should be worried.