I'm a woman

I'm a woman
Photos copyright Laurence Gouault
No reproduction on other media without the photographer's permission.

Friday, 11 October 2019

Redesigning the climbing body, by Stevie redesigned Haston.

There is probably the most perfect climbing body out there some where, but hey it's not yours, and by next Tuesday it will have changed. Bodies are like the breath, or the wind -probably a bit too mystical for you, so we will drop the gobbledegook, and get back to training, you guys out there understand the word training, or do you?


The dog thinks the rabbit is his girlfriend, I am not sure he needs to know it is a rabbit.

As a young man I had a good body for climbing from working on building sites, and a bit of yoga, plus a little running. So far so good. My mind however which controls the body, was fairly rubbish. I was a bit like a car without a steering wheel, I was even like a Ferrari, but no steering wheel-a crap car or a good car still needs a steering wheel. Not too mystical for you, I hope.

 Soli the London fireman, decending to the Underworld, a place where he discovered the properties of Elvis leg on a route called I love Elvis, a route incidentally that a Magazine editor also learned how to loose control of his body and love Elvis-great route which teaches well.

My success in climbing has never really kept up with my potential, but as my body declines success is beginning to become easier, albeit at lower levels. Why have I taken over 50 years to squeeze a bit more juice out of the old lemon? Because my mind was always up to some strange antics, either making me scared, or distracting me. How to control the mind-now there's a question! 

 Simon in the rain on a recent addition to Xini cliff.

I have controlled the mind, or tamed it by love, by authentic desire, by distraction, by breathing, by my old switch off technique, which worked sadly only some of the time, it was a cross between In Shallah, and a Viking mind yell, did I ever try the Vulcan tricks, who knows. I tried whatever was to hand, there was no drivers manual. What works for you? 

Simon decending to the Underworld for his first taste of life after death.

My long journey with climbing. is like my long journey with life, it's been full of ups and downs, but it's slowly up nowadays despite the body going to hell in a hand basket. Learning to climb is wonderful. For a while now diving, and yoga have helped me climb. How so? Focus the breath and you can control the mind, which sets your body free. A simple message that gurus have been teaching for thousands of years. There once was a boy called the Slate Guru, he did some nice routes on the Slate rock around Llanberis in North Wales-he was I-funny eh. That boy did a bit of yoga and a bit of running and a fair bit of pull ups.

Soli and I learning to breath, breathing is obviously easier to do above water, but is also surprisingly hard to do while climbing.
Do your pull-ups, do you're breathing, maybe swim, or run to calm the mind, find the guru grasshopper. Have more fun and success.

Wednesday, 25 September 2019

Politicians don't climb or free dive, by Stevie Haston

If you have ever viewed Parliament in the UK you might be excused for thinking you were looking into a Kindergarten playground. When I was a young curly headed full of hope young man, I was honoured to see Harold Wilson as Prime minister answer questions-he was nothing like our new dictator. Today I can't even read the papers or my Face Book, it  makes me sick and I think I need treatment-this partially explains why I have not been posting. But hey guys we all need to engage, we need to connect, and get things done. Boris must go. The good guys need to grow balls and stop singing the Red Flag, and get that Churchill impersonating dildo out.


 Getting rescued from the Eiger when I was a young man taught me that I was human, naturally I hugged my rescuers and thanked them-I grew up a little that day! Politicians should spend a few hours at Death Bivy and stare at their lying selves for a day to reconnect with reality.


The responsibilities of a climb-feed your self and others who are hungry, rescue them if necessary.


This is how I see Boris, this is how I want him.



Swimming through this hole in the rock you become free of politics, but unfortunately you have to return. The word Politician and the word Journalist are not nice words anymore, they are not honourable professions.


 On a clear blue day one thinks everything will go on forever, but the Planet will not be in a great way soon , it is suffering from our abuse. I am obviously fed up with banging on about global warming when nobody does anything about it-but I will keep it up. One of the things that has shocked me the most recently is the hatred pointed at Greta the Activist-what is wrong with you guys- stop being jealous little pricks!


saving up my carbon for a visit to the sea, I have a very low carbon footprint and will use my advantage to see some sea in the winter. The politicians are the people to sort out global warming not tiny little things that we do like recycling, today a bit of recycling by a few percent of people can not off set the fact that we build more cars and get tomatoes from heated green houses and the fly veggies around the world, And please don't get me started on eating meat-meat may be murder to animals but if you dont see it now as murder to us all you are indeed beyond any sense.
By the way my shoulder is better and better, looks like some climbing ahead, yoga works!Yoga, and climbing, and Freediving should be compulsory for political office, but don't hold your breath (little joke eh). My own advice to myself is read the news late, if you read it early it spoils your day! Go climbing, go swimming in the sea, go running through the trees, love people, all though its a bit hard at the moment, take big long breaths, but not near cars.    

Tuesday, 25 June 2019

Train in vain, by Stevie Haston,

Training for what? Training against the boredom of a very boring life perhaps! Anyway my life is flat, its pacific, its ordinary, its ok. Hows the training going, its flat-shoulder is not co operating. I decided to do what lots of men are doing, I decided to get tattoos, I decided to grow a beard, I decided to volunteer to launch Boris Johnston to Neptune along with a few locally grown politicians.


 Then I found this, I found it on a long swim, mostly one handed, or no handed, because of zee shoulder. On finding this I gave up on the idea of tattoos! I recommend finding big caves rather than painting your skin with your old girlfriends name and sea anchors or dragons. This cave is 40 meters to the lip, then a n overhanging wall to a steeper lip. It's just what the psychological doctor chap recommended. 



 An easy but very good looking line.
Such a fine line, I'll hate to see it go!



The groove just in the shade has a crack at the back and doesn't look too hard, it looks class though, 3 or 4 pitches.


 The swim was 3 and a half hours, plus 35 mins walk up the hill home, result = fitness of sorts in one bang for your buck. Do I recommend this kind of training? No I don't! Something a bit more rational is in order.


 Training my sun flower!


A little dumb bell work never hurt any one.


Climbing with a couple of divers recently, dad, had climbed out door but son hadn't, very happy to show them a little of Gozo's best.

Sunday, 16 June 2019

Never enough, by Stevie Haston.

The death of humans looks very much on the cards at the moment, temperatures of 38 degrees have nearly wiped out my garden! The garden that is the habitable world for the lucky rich people will rapidly shrink, what to do? There is no solution, better kiss your ass goodbye!


Dolphins were a very common sight when I was a small child, now they are very rare. At the moment I am trying not to think about the downside in my life but look at positive things-I go climbing and have a vegetable garden, and this causes me pleasure. That's my mantra! A bit head in the sand, you might say. You expect more of me I know, but I have to let you down and just go climbing! 


Me and zee dog, Mandy and Christina enjoying the good thing that life is, nobody around a little rat for the dog to chase, and fantastic 25 to 30 meter climbs.


Christina at the top of this superb chasm, only one on the island to be so grandiose.

Inside the chasm are another 2 routes which stay cool in the hot times.

The hot times for the world are just starting, crazy Prime ministers, Presidents, making poor people pay for the rich peoples mistakes is the end time. Go climbing.


Sunday, 2 June 2019

Climbing first and second. By Stevie Haston.

I climb 4 days a week on average, its enough. More would be less, less enjoyment, less time to do some important things. What are the important things, first one is looking after what is left of myself, there isn't much left, no need to show off, a need to be content, a need not to push the envelope but envelope nice things. Indeed pushing the envelope is a strange sounding thing isn't it, you might as well push a pea nut down the road with your nose, as push an envelope!


 my garden has lots of courgettes, and toms, and peppers, onions, salad, the need to rub my toes in the soil and know where my veg is coming from is strong in me


Do I want to climb more? Do I want to die? Do I want to even flirt with danger? I don't want to hurt my little body anymore, I want to walk up 8a like it was a path, but hey ordinariness has shrouded me in its awful cloak. Yes climbing is still fundamentally important, but it's complicated, no money, lack of fitness, motivation is so much easier when you have a big wad of cash to burn.


 My latest climbing pupil is a natural. Training is going well, I expect a breakthrough in cat grades shortly.


 The local religion calls for a public display of your sins and punishment, yes it is a bit medieval, I always fancy doing this but they don't have chains long enough for me. Several years ago, on Easter Sunday I did the biggest roof I had ever done, its a 50 meter pitch through a horizontal roof, motivation was easier then, plus I didn't have a garden, I didn't drink and did my finger boarding religiously. Fitness should be your religion, but so should vegetables, so should swimming in the sea...

 Cant wait for the white turnips, can't wait for my shoulder to take a bit of a heavy set of pull ups, want to do *a again before I die.

 Smiling people after a days climbing, very few things are as good as a great climb or 10, what do you say Paige?

Friday, 10 May 2019

Training for ever, Stevie Haston.

If you have had the privilege of an interesting and wide life , you might have seen some of the wonders of the world. Some people think I am one of the lucky ones, but I beg to differ, and I will explain. Please have patience with me.


 I used to see Dolphins nearly every time I went to Comino (a little island near mine) but that was over 50 years ago! I n my life time, around 60% of animals have disappeared! From my perspective I am not lucky, the demise of all that diversity and joy of life is gone, most probably never to return.


Life is a thin cord easily damaged but we are actively hacking at it with a machete. Why is our greed killing us?


These are Tuna bones, Tuna can be huge, I have seen a few big ones swimming lately because there has been a ban on fishing them and they are recovering a little, maybe that's only here. But there is evidence they are poached, because of course humans are like that.


I love cliffs and climbing please liberated cliffs, they are one of the few places constricted humans can have some joy. There are many restrictions on climbers and walkers and nature lovers, ranging from mad hunters to people wanting to protect things. Protection is wonderful but come on, we can't even get into the country in some places, because of Grouse hunters in the UK for example, or some other crazy idea like there is no right to roam.


We need to climb over some fences, to get to what we need in life. This particular fence is made of plastic, it lasted a week before the sea broke it! Humans arnt very clever, we are using our planet like a toilet, and flushing it back into the sink.


The cat, is a hunter, my new cat will have a collar with some colour on it to give the birds an extra chance of escaping, birds  are dying here, loss of habitat, and yes CATS.


 May you all have cool sunsets, but be careful they arnt because of pollution like in some places. 


Train hard for climbing, train hard for life, please train your kids to take control of these crazy run away governments.


Climbing is ace, but if we live like mice in a treadmill and climb our lives away on plastic in dusty rooms arnt we missing out?


The march of feet, the march of time, the march of over population. Please stop having children, please do some thing about climate change, please please train yourself into opposing the powers that be in this insane march towards death of this wonderful world.

Saturday, 6 April 2019

Too Lazy to Train, time to die! By Stevie lazy Haston.

Are you Lazy? Do you have trouble with motivation? Can you even say MOTIVATION? Have you given up, or are about to? If so, this might be for you. This morning I was so depressed by Mrs May and her idiot "plan", and that American Orangubafoon, and Windmill cancer, and Macron o Micron making a deals with Monsanto, and invading Venezuela for oil, but pretending it was about something else, that I wanted to just stay in bed with a furry toy!


80 meters to the sea.

But hey I didnt-I went and made a cup of shitty coffee, and because I still suffer from  ADD, I timed it. 3mins 30 secs for a shitty powdered coffee cup of dirty water as the Italians would call it. What can you do with 3 mins 30 seconds when you really want to kick ten politicians in the head. So guys I just did that, I visualised every dip stick politician and kicked them in the ankle, the shin, the knee, the thigh, the groin, the Liver, floating ribs, solar Plexus, chin, neck, temple. Axe kicking  them to the head for a finish-they have to be fairly short for this as my technique is bad at the moment, so I chose some of midget money washing men to target. I fell over at around 3 mins, got up from the floor, poured the water into a mug with some dubious coffee grains in it, and walked to the desk. I didnt even excersise for the full time, felt completly spent, but felt better.

Could you get fit in the time it takes to make a cup of coffee I wondered? Don't know, interesting question. If you said to your self I will have 4 cups of coffeee which takes 14 to 15mins to make you might be able to get fit in 15 mins of ex a day. There is probably some one out there who is very strong or fit, who certainly looks great on 15 mins a day!

It is recorded that Banister the first man to break the 4 min barrier for the mile did very, very brief training. How brief? He ran for 10 mins-he was the fastest man in the world at a mile on 10 mins training, or the time it takes to make less than three cups of coffee! Hard to believe, yes it is, but there you go!
Could 10 mins climbing training get you anywhere in climbing? Yes it could. Here's how, taking a leaf out of Banisters tree. Take a first joint finger edge, and on the min do a few pull ups, not many pull ups, certainly not your max, then hang on your finger tips at near full extension till you drop off. That's it, you can rest for two mins between hangs. Aim to get better, that's more pull ups, longer hangs, or better pull ups etc. Will this get you to a high standard? Yes and no. Climbing is a very complicated sport with many rooms to get lost in,  but yes you will improve. Crazy isn't it.


If you can't do pull ups, just hang-it will still work. If you are really good, use harder grips, smaller holds, slower pull ups, and a heavy lead
 belt!
If you have any more time, most people do, do something else, run around a park, play a physical game, do some yoga, have fun and success, stay healthy by eating good food.


Remember Roy Batty in Blade runner?

'I'ave seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, I watched C beams glitter near Tanhauser gate. All these things will be lost, unless you do 10 sets of 10, you will cry when you fail on your next route! Believe in 10x10, or get Windmill Presidents.'




the view from my new gaff, not as nice as my old view.