I'm a woman

I'm a woman
Photos copyright Laurence Gouault
No reproduction on other media without the photographer's permission.

Friday, 25 September 2020

Covid Gladiator and the Pope, by Stevie Serious Haston

 I'am still alive, conditions on earth are worsening, but thank you guys for supporting me in my titanic struggle against the Dipthong thong Virus. Love you long time! Was walking today, diving today, and a tiny bit of climbing, viruses every where.

You do get points for knowing each item, and what they are for, clue some of these if inserted up your Prime Minister, or President of choice, will produce a giggle, tickle, or severe pain.

See no evil, am really happy to have burst through the 40 meter barrier, bust is not that appropriate a word since I have been diving underwater all my life. Finally made a bit of progress recently, Jacek my mate from Poland, Jesper from Denmark (100 meter diver) Alex from Germany, Fabritz from Malta were all in there, pushing me ever downwards.

Some where in the Sinai Egypt, forgotten where, it doesn't matter, I just love Eygptian people especially the people of that brilliant city Dahab.

Yesterday I was here with Sabine, and Mat, who had a great full days climbing, it was fantastic to meet Sabine as we had some friends together from the old Gang in France!

Lesser spotted Covid @

This little bugger (badly out of focus I know) was walking on a saints statue. Hard to control bugs isn't it?
Sabine climbing on her toes, I think the humidity is in the camera, or on the lens, humidity here is crazy at the moment, probably due to all that breathing in Ma.s.k.s.

Two little doggies in a big pocket, mine is the black one, the other comes from Kalyminos,  believe it or not!
Face Book wants to tell you that Stevie Haston has changed his Profile photo, and his details. The man formerly known as Stevie is now Covid Gladiator, and is fully sponsored by the W.H>O>R>E and the CDC and is a government advisor on masks.

For Sabine and Mat, they wanted to know what a "fried egg jelly fish' looked like. Here's one, all jelly fish are really beautiful, but this one might be my favourite, and can be 1 meter in diameter! Thanks Sabine and Mat for climbing with me.


Tuesday, 22 September 2020

Climbing without fear, living without fear.

At the begining of the year I was in Egypt having a great time, what the F..k happened! 

One Minuit I was doing my daily routine of Prana breathing , then physical yoga and the free diving and then maybe the odd set of pull ups, and the next Minuit it was the Pandemic. I remember thinking "oh here we go again, they will try the old Asian flu card". 


One of my old students, hello Mandy, hope you are well!

 I haven't blogged for a while, like most people Iam confused and battered but unlike most I am in fact desperate, no work this year means no money. I dont have a safety net underneath me like all these very nice people advocating a New Normal. I want my old normal back please, the one where I earned a bit of money, was a responsible citizen, and where low risks of death due to the flu was , well normal> 
An Aloe, tilted, it's time over, ready to die, When I die I hope its actually before my time. You might not understand what I just said so I'll spell it out for you. We are living so long that the last 10 years of most peoples lives is just a dreary purgatory of well misery. I watched my dad die, I have just watched a few die recently and you know what it wasn't nice. I dont want that, I want not to be bed ridden, I dont want to have my arse wiped like I did for my mum, I want to die a bit before I am a decaying cabbage!  

This photo is one of mine I found on the web, dont ask me how its there or why its got a frame, hey the world is changing and things are strange. I have to remember 65 codes for computers, bank accounts, phones, I have to use another 54 chargers for shit I didn't really ever want in the first place, and in having and using all this shit, I am making some people who I despise mega rich.

 This photo is from Norway I think. 2 meters of snow fell, no police, no sisters telling you not to slash the hell out of those steep slopes. It was a time before thought crime, it was a time before being accused of killing people by living. It was a great time.                                                                                   My shoulder is better, thanks to many people and no doctors, I,ll just give a shout out to Mick who sent me an exercise protocol and is enjoying a fruitful time climbing in North Wales. I was advised to have an operation by 3 doctors, but I didn't want to get cut up and suffer drugs again. So after a lot of messing around with lots of stuff, and listening to many friends but not doctors, the shoulder is finally co operating and letting me climb and swim.

This is a photo of me doing a bit of yoga, I have been doing yoga since an early age, some times its just a bit of stretching some times its actually lots more, its rebooting me, its anchoring me into this space and time, into this body and  into this kind inner mind that is always there. People who know me understand life is a little hard for me, modern life that is, mountains cliffs and the sea is where I need to be, I don't need no Facist groove thing going on. So because of my little journey into freediving my yoga practise has actually become an everyday practise, the morning Prana can be anything from 15 mins to 2 hours. What has this yoga stuff done for me I can hear you question. Well it allowed me to climb while weak, it allowed me to climb kinda without one shoulder, and it allowed me to make a little progress with my topsy turvy mind. Oh and it gave me a Breath hold of 5 mins and a deep dive of 42 meters.

This photo is one of mine from 2 years ago down there near Sudan. It was a pleasure to play with these cool cats. 

This blog will have to be cut short as my 'mother in law' wants to do some what we call 'disco keep fit', she is a demented old lady who we have to reboot everyday as she watches too much TV. We dont know how to wean her off the TV, the poor thing has to wear a mask and gets breathless when she does so. When the lock down was on we stretched the rules to get her out, but even with that she has put on many kilograms. Granny might have died in a home.

I'll say cheers to you all, I have been drinking a bit too much like many, so its time to stop. I have to tell you for 3 months in Egypt I didn't drink, this was easy to do and I felt wonderful. You probably know that drink is very bad for you, but some of my friends are dead because of drink. Some of my friends are very dead because of climbing, some died skiing or snowboarding, two free divers I knew just died, death is with us my friends but so is life. Celebrate life, the profits of doom, and the wages of fear go to the rich, life must be lived, you cannot mortgage life. Please guys and girls let people live their lives. 

Tuesday, 12 May 2020

Methuselah climbs still, by Stevie Haston.

Its my hundred and 11 birthday cries Frodo, it's my  969 says Crystal Meth Methuselah, its mine also says Stevie-shall we go climbing, of course says Piglet, Pooh,  Eeyore, and Tigger.   New routes are nearly alway the gift I give myself on my birthday, good routes, some times with a bit of bite. 

This is a sketch of Edward Lear a favourite character from my childhood. its prophetically of a favourite cliff of mine and he has some how painted me in belaying on top of one of my own routes! This is a bit of a shock because he died a long time before my birth. But hey, things today are not what they seem, we must trust experts, and funnily drawn graphs predicting 'Second waves' among other things.

So I remember this little 'second wave' from when I was about 9 years old, I was reading the nonsense poems of Edward Lear and hoping to see fabulous creatures with two heads, and people floating to sea in a pea green boat, and magic dragons, and elves and much more. But this second wave was there instead. It disappeared from my knowledge and reappeared a few years ago but I couldn't be bothered. Sometimes the big thing that's stops great routes is lethargy, Christmass pudding, or a Pandemic of hunters killing little birds. But there was a lull in the space time continuum  this year, and a route was born, or at least gestated. 

Just one glass for me, moderation is my middle name.

Oma is grandmother in German, here she is, her eyesight is all but gone and what she sees is often guesswork or wishful thinking. Does she know there is 300 feet of air beneath her?Actually she is a bit like her daughter, things like big cliffs don't phase her and she was begging to see us climbing. She begged and begged but we couldn't think how we could even get her to a cliff with out a cattle hoist and a helicopter, until I remembered the Second Wave! There was a place the Bat Car could approach very close and we could waddle granny down towards the edge for her appointment with climbing.

We tried to get Granny down to see this climb  but failed, we tried and tried, we finally had to invent a new cliff and a new climb. Such are the things you do on your birthday said Piglet, 'nobody said climbing was easy' said Poo.

Sunday, 10 May 2020

Temporary like Achilleas, by Stevie immortal Haston.

Tempting fate to say you're immortal? Of course it is. You are a temporary thing my friend, more bacteria than your ego will even allow you to know. We are deluded little creations of accident, waiting for our assured demise. But some one once said, that you can sometimes be a master of your life if you pick the time of your death! I prefer to think that I am a little bit in control occasionally, and not like a bit of flotsam being tossed around by the waves. Recently I have even felt lucky and blessed. That surprised me because I am normally a really miserable bastard.

I love routes where you open you're legs and feel the breeze... Chimneys are a very underrated lost art.

 This is what I looked like as a young man, I used to climb 6c maximum, but now that Scarpa makes better boots, my grade is still respectable.

A bit of tourism in Germany, trying, or not trying really, more like fondling the holds, you get a few points for knowing the route, and there will be a few of you that will get it, surprising how much strange bits of info we have in our brains.

You get a few more points for recognising the man in this photo, a very important man in climbing in my view.

A Dick standing between two gigantic dicks. You get another few points for knowing this route, it's one of the best routes in the world!

 I have been called a dick recently by a few people for being happy to be Temporary like Achilleas. Here I am demonstrating my Weltanschauung, dicks are very underrated as Mae West said, they have an important function.

A very strong Francois, Italian not French, I have known a lot of strong Fs over the years!
Anyway, there's lots of routes for me to do
Theres fun to be had
theres still sea to swim in
theres laughs to be had
theres the blue to stare into above as in the sky and the deep as under you in water
theres my body such as it is -to treat your body like a temple and not a toilet, should be one of humans main thoughts. Eat good healthy food, breath fresh air, drink nice pure water, win the good fight. Be amazed at the beauty of flowers, rocks, mountains, do things with grace even though you are a clumsy clod of clay, dance on the head of a needle.

Thursday, 7 May 2020

The Dangleberries of Doom, by Stevie Haston.

The world spins around its axis, and men spin their little webs. The world goes around the sun and men spin their lies, plans, and they gather of riches beyond their needs! I gather a few onions and routes.

Some onions for you're perusal.

Of mice and men, 10,000 Assyrians, Atlas Shrugged, the Corona Fraud, Logic Bomb a few new route names of the last week. 

 A route cleaned by my friend Didi, a  European of the former Eastern Bloc country East Germany. We act in tandem, our love of routes and our love of other peoples enjoyment of good little climbs motivate us to some simple giving of time and sweat.

Here I am top roping a line several times to gain knowledge of the best place to clean  etc. Strange are the motivations of men, their creations or simple gifts, half the time mere vanity. Beware Greeks baring Gifts, Never look a gift Vaccine in the Mouth! Forgive me my little jokes. Many climbers are listening to governmental instructions when they have never listened much before, is this their advancing age, or do they actually think something extra ordinary is going on.

Hiding in the shade, it's almost too hot, the end of May normally signals the hot season of not much climbing except when absolutely necessary. In the photo you can see the seeds of the Carob tree, one of my favourite trees.

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

Are you a climber? Stevie ? Haston.

I was a climber before I was born. Were you? I held the umbilical cord between by little fingers and imagined holding the falls of my twin brother as he tried to wriggle out of this hell I was imprisoned with him in. As soon as I climbed out of 'the narrows', I screamed 'yes'  for my Victoria over imprisonment. Little did I know this hell climb would be repeated ad nauseam.

 The sky is blue and we are in Prison, well not me obviously, I speak of some of the worlds population, told what to do, and blindly following orders ..

 Invitation to dance, outrageously good climbing/dancing shoes. Invitation au voyage, a route name in France (possibly got this wrong) the French do get the odd thing right, we will see if they crucify Macron at the next election, or are falling into control or 'compliance'. Compliance is a great new word used to describe control of population, it is like in Britain, we used to have to comply to the status quo of prescribed climbing by a few pompous people, nominally this was guided by the chief of Propaganda Ken 'the red' Wilson. If you didn't comply you were denounced in the magazine, and then ignored in the public drinking establishments. 

 'Babies in a Blender' was a route name I seem to remember. There will be many more abortions after quarantine, there will be lots of family crimes, perhaps a million more unwanted births.

 My fingers are easily strong enough to crush this rock, its a treacherous medium to climb but its incredibly memorable also, if you climb this kind of rock otherwise polite people will say you are insane! 

Training in old England was called cheating, pros were looked down upon, it was an extension of the public schools system and ideology. Alright for some, some were taken by rich parents on the Grande Tour, some kids couldn't climb out of the slums. Slums arnt called slums anymore, don't even know what they are called, but you can be sure there are two different sectors from where climbers come from. Even in the simplistic climbing game of climbing walls and bouldering, there is a difference from Now, versus Then. In the old days I bunked (sneaked in) into the Sobell centre Wall, and then Bradford Uni wall, as I remember the Sheffield Uni training thing was free as well. Not now guys, get your Visa au Voyage out!

Ah the untraveled stuff by a route of mine. The Taxification of everything now is utterly incredible, but it is not so amazing when you think that people dont value their liberty to climb, walk run, or even get out of the house. Virtual reality has captured people, once we wanted real experience, we didn't want the Blue Planet, we were in it, and really nice villages and towns gave us free camping, We voyaged into the real natural world, and eat it for breakfast. Today, its Planet Mountain web site saying stay at Home, today its UK Climbing saying Stay the Fuck at Home, well I can tell you its them who should stay the Fuck at home! They arnt climbing, Climbing is you, climbing is rock, climbing is a journey, an experiment, it's a risk, it is defo not sitting at home masturbating.

Failed on this the other day, lots of failures recently. To find your limits is an interesting thing, what are your limits on proscribed thought and rules? Are you still a free thinking, Skin head moon stomp climber?

I love scorpions. Are Scorpions dangerous? Are viruses dangerous? Wasn't it a virus that turned animals from egg layers into, mammals?Wasnt it viruses that created thought process-thought processes seem a bit overrated now since government think that thinking for your self should be banned. There's a wing of the British army called Brigade 77, it's in charge of various false accounts, and is a Trolling factory which works in league with various other mysterious people agendas and 1984 kinda things. Theres a Wonderfull bit of film out there somewhere showing the head of the Army dressed in desert camoflage gear (try to remember he is a studio haha), talking about how well the Army is helping in the Corona /Flu thing, its laughable. Thats why you should go climbing, climbing was always a real leveller, although the climbing secret police tried they couldn't really control climbing! Long live climbing.  

Tuesday, 21 April 2020

To be, or to sneeze, by Stevie Horrible Haston.

To Blog or not to Blog, for a while I didn't blog as I thought what I did wasn't interesting, but obviously now, as navel gazing while half watching the latest Net Flics moving garbage show is the height of many peoples lives-well.

 Some gorgeous granite in Egypt, this dome, peak, is unclimbed.

 A mural of Whirling Dervishes, I once did a climb called the Dervish which started a boom of new routes in the quarries of North Wales, now I advocate climbing while maintaining precautions against catching the Flu. I would never advocate breaking a law, except of course where that law is completely wrong-there are a few, well more than a few are not there?

 These are my so called Spring onions, they are not normal are they? Luckily I have a garden where other people in my family can relax while sheltering from the stupidity of this modern world. Could I imagine being cooped up in a grotty bedsit in some god forsaken town, or worse stuck with a horrible companion?

Yesterday was rainy, we still went out, me and my bro here. Diving down on the peaceful sand at 25 meters depth was magic, my companion was keener than me, diving, diving he has nothing else to do, his wife is in a different country and he can't work. He is lucky he can get out, eh? He has a PHD and two other silly degrees, he is one of the experts I discus things with. I have lots of friends who are expert in strange things, some of them even have a modicum of common sense. People say I am wrong about corona /Flu, perhaps I am, but the 25000 Germans who died of the Flu in 2017/18 compared to the few thousand who died of this Flu this year might have a different view point-well they might of course, if they were alive.

Diego my dog who climbs a bit, is a bit confused at the moment due to not getting out enough.

 The cruelty of Quarantine, the confusion of quarantine, the way people are perverting themselves is amazing, the total abdication of rational questioning is a jolly interesting thing. My country in the last 3 years has slipped 34 places in the liberty of it press, the Maltese people as a whole have not noticed, or complained! Maltas last Prime Minister a Mr Muscat was implicated in the murder of a journalist, not many people care! The new replacement Prime Minister of Malta in the job 5 mins has a judicial enquiry into the possibility he murder up to 12 human beings at sea, do you care? No you don't! That's the crime.  The crime, and it is a big one is that they/you are so distracted by Brexit, Trump, Corona, money, and Net Flix, that they dont care about anything. They care so little that in some places they are locked up, and imprisoned and think themselves lucky. Now then, in some places there is a nasty flu going around, and there are a few very bad hotspots, but in other places like the Reunion you have a very good chance compared to corona of dying of Shark attack, on my island Scuba Diving kills more some years.


Behind our free diving float is an incredible flying groove, I failed to climb it twice recently, it's not hard, I am just rubbish. Notice the last sentence and compare it with this one, some health care is not up to dealing with the Flu, because well its not up to it.

My  friend here looking like the blind mole he is. We are so lucky him and I, no stupid polluting boats to hassle us, The life in the caves is coming back, if I had a tiny bit of work from people wanting my services I would be able to pay the bills. While you are all locked up you should perhaps explore what is going on in the world, not your navel, but look at the problems of big business owning governments, and countries. It takes very little time and is much more relevant that that stupid badly acted out nonsense about serial killers. While you are locked up, war is still going on, hunger, the money owed by each individual is going up, but you're sense is slowly dissipating in the crazy theatre they create to confuse you. Yes you are welcome. It's sunny. Its always sunny above the clouds.