I'm a woman

I'm a woman
Photos copyright Laurence Gouault
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Friday, 26 February 2010

Desperatly absurdy seeking publicity by Stevie scrooge Haston

Some presents from my sponsor arrived and I cant help touching maulling and fondling. Some really great quick draws, which are easy to put to use, but the problem lies in the ergonomic carbon fibered mixed tool which to be honest is a bit too good for the likes of me, my car used to be a BMW M3 and this is a Ferrari. What to do? Over the years I’ave had alootta arguments with sponsors (and myself) about what constitutes self advertising and gear pushing. Years ago I loved mixed climbing, and it was easy to be good, even when it got harder I could always steal a march because I designed gear that made it easier. Now its getting harder to cause a splash because the gear is so good its reduced alotta mixed to pulling up on vertical jugs. You can even make some tough rock routes easier in winter because its easier to pull on an ergonomic shaft than a minging crimp. About 1979 in North Wales I realised that to do harder routes I needed to get away from drainage lines and attack walls but of course these walls already had nice rock routes up them like Lord of the Flies. Now then I am a greedy money grabbing working class scoundrel but I wouldn’t dry tool my way up the likes of ‘Lord’ even if it would be easy with axes. Over the years some of the younger lads came to me for advice and after a quick chat they seemed to think the same. So really you are left with dry tooling venues and some of these are really good fun but its hard to make money out of them or weave a legend. So what can I do to get publicity?
 Well I have found a crag with great routes and hanging ice daggers on but the rock is so good I think Id rather bolt it and make good 8bs. Maybe go to Scotland there’s only one good climber there the net keeps telling me. I don’t even like Scotland but Scotland so the Scots tell me is the best and the hardest and the purist so I gotta do it there right. Plus I heard of this ultimate trad route there called Eco wall which might be hard to dry tool but will win me euros. And to be honest it looks like a decent bold challenge with rock shoes on and with axes I can cut into the crimpy bits, cause although my open hand strength is great, my crimp is still a limiting factor in my climbing. Yes man what a great plan, and so what if I ruin a good rock climb, I desperately need the publicity man. Idea number two, head to Craig Doris in Wales, trash my own routes, they are soft and the bird shit looks like snow anyway, the dumb flockers who read mags, the net, listen to the radio wont know the difference anyway. Hey man its just about selling thermonuclear proof cags to hip shoppers anyway, so who cares. No my heart wont allow it I am just doomed to go rockclimbing and fail on routes.